Unspoken Challenges of Motherhood

It took me 8 years of trying to conceive before I had my first child. I really can’t say where this desire for motherhood came from. It just came over me one day, and slowly began to grow.

After 8 years of trying for a baby, the day finally arrived when I found out I was pregnant! That day was filled with lots of joy and laughter, and later when my baby boy finally was in my arms, even more bouts of tearful joy and awe.

As time went by and I settled into my new routine and rhythm of life, it became very apparent that motherhood changed me to my core. Kind of like a new identity being placed over you overnight. This became even more prominent after my second baby arrived. Sure, if you’re married you have your spouse to help, so you don’t feel like this change is happening JUST to you, but as any woman who has become a mother for the first time can attest to, you feel that your role as a mother is so much more unique and vital to the baby. You and the baby are connected, and hold a powerful bond both physically and emotionally. I think it’s this very bond that signals to the new mom, that “hey, somethings shifted inside me, my identity has totally transformed, I’m a mom now”. It’s hard to put to words, but at least for me, it felt like my former self died, and my new self was now emerging and being born with the passing of each day.

Challenge # 1 – Identity Change & Learning Curve

While this is probably open to debate, drawing on my experience, one of the first challenges that mothers face is the identity shift that occurs. You’re no longer a (fill in the blank) high achiever, athlete, professor, lawyer, baker, business owner etc. You’re now a mother, and with that deep change, may come a complete shift in your desires for life. For example, maybe you thought you would always be interested in your work or your business, but now all of sudden your desires are to be there for this new baby, and create the best home life possible. Do you even want to go back to work? Maybe that is completely out of the question for you, and you HAVE to work in order to keep eating and living. But it’s not like that desire to BE with your new baby disappears, especially if it took years of trying to have a baby! That is what happened to me at least. With this new identity of mine, I was surprised by how quickly my desires in life began to change. Obviously this is so normal and necessary, and so many hormones are being produced during nursing and holding the baby to encourage you as a new mom to fall even more in love with your little one. But overtime you can find yourself totally losing yourself and your past interests.

For myself, I try hard to not loose those aspects of myself that really made me who I was…not necessarily WHAT I was doing, but the interests I held. I still make sure to keep up with news around the world, politics, spiritual matters, business ideas, and all the things that mentally keep me interested. Basically what I found was that the first challenge I faced was one of identity, and with this new identity, the daily things I found myself wanting to do. So it’s more about finding balance in life, which is a huge learning curve for a new mom.

Another challenge is the learning curve that comes with understanding the needs of your baby, his/her unique issues all take some time to figure out. For example my son would grunt quite a bit during the night after feeds, not super colicky or anything, just some gas. After researching I found Gripe water was exactly what he needed, and I would give him some as needed throughout the day and night. That’s a minor example, I know new moms that went into major research mode to try and heal their baby’s eczema and other various ailments. So many things like this can arise during the first year, which if you’re a caring mom, you’re going to inevitably learn as much as you can to help your baby.

Challenge # 2 – Your Spouse/Partner

Something that I’ve observed is that when I am not feeling loved or cared for in my marriage, this can really affect my ability to feel fulfilled at home with the kids. I think maybe that is why many moms choose to work even if they don’t have to during those early years of having little ones (under 3 years old). If your marriage/relationship dynamic is not a healthy one, and leaves a woman or a man feeling hurt, a bit of a power struggle can arise in the home. So in that case, if a woman isn’t feeling safe emotionally in the home, she is probably going to feel the need to continue working. And actually, maybe her partner doesn’t perceive her being at home as being important, and puts that pressure on her to work. Whatever the case, when I talk with other moms and listen to podcasts on the topic, most all woman agree, motherhood can be VERY challenging if you yourself aren’t feeling taken care of.

But before you go beating up your partner emotionally about this, one thing to consider is that parenthood is also a new learning curve for your other half. Many men have a one track mind, if they are mentally trying to show up for the new baby, and are trying to prioritize this baby with their attention and help, it can be hard for men to pause for a minute and realize their wife also needs support and affection. So it takes time, it took me a while to realize this for myself and then be able to extend grace to my husband. If you’re in a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk it out and share your feelings on the matter.

What’s interesting is there are a ton of studies and research on how many couples split AFTER having their first baby. The results are kind of a mixed bag, one study showing 40% of couples split after having a baby, another showing 1 in 5 couples separating after having kids. And it’s for a variety of reasons. Any issue you had before the baby, are only going to be magnified after kids. Having kids is hard work, but I think why so many couples choose to STAY (more choose to stay than to split) together and work through their differences is for the kids. What I am learning since my kids as I right this are three and one, is that it takes time to learn how to operate as a new family, to learn how to BE together, so much has changed.

Basically, when you become a parent you end up giving so much of yourself to your kids. Your love, your patience, your compassion, energy, mental stamina, everything. So if you’re not feeling the love from your spouse, and you don’t talk about it, this can lead to resentment, then bitterness, and anger.

Challenge # 3 – Support & Isolation

Beyond feeling like your spouse isn’t really SEEING you, there is also a lack of overall support for mothers and fathers. When I look at my circle of friends and families, this challenge is often times self inflicted. I’ll use myself as an example. We moved out of Oregon to Texas when my son was only 4 months old. Leaving behind my parents and extended family, as well as my husbands family. We did so to pursue my husbands dream of building homes to sell, and land was WAY cheaper in Texas, so we made the big move. Not having immediate family close by to help with the kids on occasion was challenging, to say the least. But it was a choice we made thoughtfully.

In today’s world, MANY families I know find themselves in this exact position. They’ve moved out of state in pursuit of better work options, only to realize a year or two in, that it’s very hard, and may be a pay cut is worth being closer to grandparents and extended family.

In addition to the lack of family support, there is also the sense of isolation. Maybe you don’t have friends who also have kids, or you do, but it’s just so hard to get out of the house. That lack of friendship can make you feel like you are in it alone. Having someone to talk to and share in struggles is so good.

Another thing I’ve observed is that it seems like more and more mom’s and dad’s I talk to don’t really trust ANYONE to watch their kids. I know of couples that have literally NEVER gone on a date night, or had anyone watch their kids, and they have older kids. Not sure how healthy that is, but my point is that it seems as though there is a growing distrust happening, and I think it’s because as a society we are just so much more aware of the abuse that can happen within familial homes. It is heart breaking to see, but it’s a reflection of the broken times we live in, I personally struggle with leaving my kids anywhere, I actually have no desire to.

Challenge # 4 – Physical & Mental Health

On top of all the above noted challenges, another big one is your own physical health. Having a baby takes a such toll on your body. Your hormones are changing, your energy, the feeling of brain fog, the difficulties of nursing and pumping. This in turn can affect your emotions and the overall mental load that you feel.

I’ve found if I neglect the eating habits that I know are good for me, or if I stop taking my usual vitamins and supplements, or stop my stretching and workouts – I am going to really feel it. Usually when I am consistent with doing my quick 15 minute workouts, I feel so much better throughout the day.

Challenge # 5 Balancing Ambition and Motherhood

The last challenge I can speak to (as I am sure there are more than 5) is balancing the ambition that you s have for expressing your creativity or your desire to work, and mothering. The question of fulfillment and feeling satisfied while being a mother is an interesting one. Some woman don’t feel fulfilled at home with their kids, it drives them crazy to be cooped up at home all day with the kids. I am not here to say that something is wrong with you if you don’t feel fulfilled at home with your kids, but I do think that being fully present for your kids for at least the first three years of their lives is really important.

This is where being a parent can feel sacrificial. Especially if you and your spouse have made the decision to not use childcare for a time. You are giving up your own desires/ambitions in life for a short season, in order to ensure your kids have the best shot at regulating their emotions in the future. For myself, I spent 8 years trying to have a baby, why on earth would I send them to childcare to pursue something else if I don’t have to. My perspective is obviously VERY different and I am in no way passing judgement on moms who choose to work while having little ones. Instead, I am merely sharing that one challenge with motherhood is not having the time to pursue some of your ideas/interests/hobbies. Even for working moms, once they get home from work its not like they can leisurely read a book or work on pottery every day. Raising kids will inevitably come at the cost of some of your ambitions – for a season. And that’s something that I am personally OKAY with, and I have to remind myself daily about.

In short, motherhood comes with various challenges, and many of the ones I mentioned above sometimes go unspoken. They also come in various degree of difficulty depending on your situation. So whether its the lack of support, marital issues, physical health, or the drive to pursue other dreams – I think it’s important to acknowledge those challenges and realize that these years of having little ones are going to pass so fast, it’s okay to prioritize your kids while also dreaming of future endeavors.

As I write this, I am one of my older friends house. Her kids are all almost out of the house, she is in her mid 40s, and homeschooled all of her kids. She is helping watch the kids as a sit and type. I’ve valued her mentorship and friendship all these years, and intentionally pursued this friendship. I am so glad I did, because it gives me a few hours a week to work on this blog.

So what is it for you? What are some of the challenges you’ve faced in motherhood? I’d love to hear in the comments below.